The Things I Couldn't Say
by JAGfreak
Summary: Character Death. *everyone sighs* But, mine is a little different. This is only my second fanfic and lots of reviews are wanted!!!!!!!--: ) thanks!


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FONT FACE="Times New Roman"PTitle: The things I couldn't Say...../P

PAuthor: Ashle/P

PDisclaimer: Much to my dismay, I don't own ANY of these characters and am not making money by doing this......DPB, Paramount, and Belisarius Productions however, are./P

PSpecial thanks: To Emily, for inspiring me to write fanfics. : )' /P

PSummary: Character Death. Mac dies, Harm is left with a journal kept by Mac that's adressed to him (obviously never intended for him to see) of all the things that she didn't OR couldn't say./P

PAuthors Note**** Ok..lets get to the facts, not many people like stories involving character deaths...(I'm one of them) But, *thank goodness* the real characters are still alive and well and still have that chance to say the things they think they can't. (Hope you enjoy reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it.)/P

P10:00 am/P

PA church in Washington/P

PI can't believe it. I stand here in front of her casket and I still can't accept it. I am not ashamed of my fast-falling tears .....not even the loud sobs that rack my body. I don't care who's watching....The Admiral puts a hand on my back and I can hear him stifle a sob as well. The Admiral goes after a few moments to join Harriet and Bud on the front pew. I stand there with my hands placed on the edge of the casket for support, and I allow myself to look at her. The pain that follows can't be put into words. She looks so fragile, a bit different than that Gung-ho marine I'd almost always seen in her, and that frightens me./P

P/P

PLt. Singer has just walked in and is standing beside me , paying her respects. I think its the first time I've ever seen her cry. She allows some tears to fall before firmly wiping them away, and joining the others. I try to move my legs, but I can't. I can't leave her./P

PAfter awhile Tiner and Gunny show up to pay their respects, and then also join the others. Sturgis comes in with Bobbi and they stand a little behind me, I hear Bobbi start to sob and then they become muffled. I know Sturgis is holding her close and comforting her. Something I should have been doing for Mac, while she was dying. God, I hate Webb! He was supposed to be looking out for her! she had been helping him investigate (much to my disapproval) a case in Afghanistan without me. I had made him promise to watch her six. She was shot and died shortly after in his arms. They should have been mine. I should have been there to hold her, to help her, maybe I could've done something more. /P

Pwebb is behind me now and I resist the urge to deck him. I know deep down he did all he could do, but it feels better to put the blame on someone rather than accepting the fact that sometimes things just happen. webb puts a hand on my shoulder, and I know he can feel me stiffen .....I turn to acknowledge his presence and the look of sorrow and guilt on his face almost makes me feel sorry for him. /P

P/P

PThe service starts and I finally turn to go sit with the others. Her Uncle Matt(who was temporarily released from Leavenworth for the funeral) sits on my left , while Sturgis sits on my right. With the exception of Uncle Matt, it surprises me to say that we are.....well, we were her family. /P

PThe rest of the service goes on in a blur, I really can't make out what the minister is saying. I'm in my own little world. I think back on the day in the rose garden, where I first met that gung-ho marine with her stubborn ways. A never ending sea of moments pulls me under and I'm lost in them./P

P/P

PThe service is over and its time for one last goodbye. I wait to go last, I make my way up to the casket once more. I allow myself to take her lifeless hand in mine and lean down and kiss it before placing it back in its proper place. So many tears are falling, I half expect there to be a puddle at my feet. I open my eyes to look at her beautiful face for the last time, and I hear myself whisper: Sarah, please forgive me .....I've been such a fool. I loved you.. love you...and will always love you, more than I ever thought humanly possible...maybe that's what scared me so much about telling you how I felt./P

PThe service and burial is over and I don't want to talk to people. I just want to go home to my apartment, and be alone. I make a b-line to my car but am stopped by none other than Webb. My helpless expression changes to one of anger. /P

PHarm, I found this with Col. Mackenzie's things.. Webb said sadly as he held up a book with a brown cover that resembled somewhat of a diary. I took the liberty of opening it to the first page to decide if it was something to of value to keep and it was addressed to you.......I wanted you to have it. /P

PThanks Webb. I said firmly before taking the book and heading to my car./P

P/P

P12:00 P.M./P

PNORTH OF UNION STATION/P

PI am sitting on the couch running my fingers over the book Webb gave me awhile ago,conemplating on whether I have the strength to read it or not. Curiosity is eating away at me, and finally I open it to the first page.....here is what it said:/P

IPHarm,/P

P I have decided to write in this book in the hopes I might finally get my feelings out ...if only just on paper. A few hours ago, I was with you on the ferry trying my best to understand your reasons for not letting go. I felt such a need for you, that I couldn't trust myself to speak. I wonder if you felt any of that same tension.I can't wait on you forever Harm. Its funny how easy it is to express yourself when you know your in no danger of being made vulnerable, or being rejected. The next few pages will be about things that have happened between us in the past/I Iand the things that I'd wanted to say but couldn't or didn't./P

P YourNinja Girl/P

/IPAs I finish reading this it is clear that she never intended on me reading it or giving it to me. I look down again to find tear stains on the page and I realize that they're not just mine (which are now flowing rapidly by the way) but they're her tears from that night. I hold the book close to my chest and cry myself to sleep. I /P

/IP /P

PI wake up with the book on my chest, I sit up and pain shoots through my neck. I rub the back of my neck with one hand and with the other I pick up the book that is now on the floor./P

PI apprehensively turn to the second page, afraid of what I'll see./P

PIHey Flyboy, /P

P I'm sitting here remembering...remembering the time we met and the couple months after that to follow. Some memories are happy, and some sad...but they are all precious memories just the same. /P

PI was so nervous about meeting you that day in the rose garden.Ohh, and then the way you looked at me....you must have really cared for Diane. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm an evil reminder of her life and death that brings you pain. I wish I could tell you how much it meant to me for you to help My Uncle and put your career on the line for me and my wishes./P

PThen I remember the investigation of Diane's death......I know you were kissing Diane, but Just who was I kissing? I don't know whether my sympathy led me to do it or my feelings for you. If it was only for sympathy....why did it hurt me so much when I realized you were kissing Diane.? /P

P Mac/P

/IPShe thought Diane was the only one I had been kissing. It was true, at first. But mid- kiss I realized and could have stopped.....but didn't. Mac meant more to me then than she realized. I flipped through a couple pages to get up to date after the ferry./P

PIt was about my plane going down. In a way it felt wrong to invade her soul and innermost thoughts like this. But, wouldn't she want me to know? I am convinced, and start to read:/P

PIHarm,/P

P I just returned home from the engagement party. Mic is asleep on the couch in the other room and I'm taking this opportunity to pour my heart out in this book. /P

PAll I can say is...what happened?!? If I had known you loved me.....(you atleast implied that you did) things could have been so different. Not that I'm not happy. Mic's great...really. But, I can't help thinking how different things would be if I were wearing your ring. The truth is, it felt TOO good to kiss you tonight. I can still feel your lips on mine and miss them. I've never felt the way with brumby that I felt with you. When I said and you have someone that loves you before we kissed. I really meant it. I love you Harmon Rabb, Jr. /P

PI'm going to go ahead and Marry Mic , I love Mic..I do. I wish I could wait as long as it takes like you said. But I can't. It seems with you Harm, you're always expecting me to wait. I can't wait indefinitely Harm, I'm going to marry Mic and be happy and have someone to come home to....a few kids maybe. I hope you understand./P

PLove, Sarah./P

/IPI wanted to go back in time and take it all back. If I could do it all over again..... I would. I would have stopped her from going back in....I would have kissed her again and then I would have told her I was ready.....ready to commit to her, if she would have me. And if the answer was yes, I would have left with her. And even if it was no, I would beg and plead ......I would dare her to say she couldn't feel what I was feeling between us. I would've!!..........I then cry bitter tears that violently shake my body./P

P/P

PI have to pick the book back up, I have to will myself to go on. reading her Heart's thoughts makes me feel closer to her, and I need to feel that right now. /P

P I Harm,/P

P You approached me about my engagement Party today, I didn't really want to talk about it. I thought maybe forgetting about it would make the memory of it go away/I.......Iso then maybe I wouldn't want you so much./P

PYou approached me for the second time today, and I told you I was happy with Brumby......I don't know If I am.....I love him and could be just happy enough with him......but could I be happier with you? I'm afraid of the answer./I /P

PILove always, Mac/P

/IPI skip a few pages and my eyes fall on an entry of the day before my plane went down. This is what it said:/P

PIHarm,/P

P today you told me that you would be missing my rehearsal dinner to do your quals.....You told me you'd be there for the wedding...why do I doubt that? God, Harm ...your my best friend. I've always been there for you, you've always been there for me...why should this be any different??? I tried not to get so angry with you Harm ....but the truth is I kept in most of it. Today you told me through your actions, that flying was more important to you than me. I don't know what hurts worse, that your not gonna be there, or you seem to think missing the most important day of my life is no big deal. How could you ,Harm?/P

PSarah Mackenzie (soon to be Brumby)/P

/IPI didn't know I had hurt her that much. Through her eyes, I didn't sound as though I cared, and I never meant to come across that way. I just needed to escape, I couldn't see her with Brumby...I didn't want to watch the wedding....watch her slip through my fingers. It wasn't because I didn't care...it was because I cared TOO much.......but she was right...I shouldn't have let her down like that.....and when I tried to make things right, I needed up ruining her rehearsal and getting her wedding called off....(I can't say I was sorry about that one)/P

PI flipped to the next page:/P

PIHarm,/P

P Wow. So much has happened to me since this morning. It all started when I was at my rehearsal dinner. we got a call that your plane had gone down. I was confused, Why would u risk coming home so late in that kindof weather??? And then when the Admiral said you were trying to get back for my wedding........I collapsed. I don't think anyone has seen me that weak besides you and Uncle Matt (when I was drying out) I was afraid to let Mic see...and that told me something right there. I was crying so hard I couldn't stop.....If u were to die I don't know what I would've done./P

PMic isn't very happy to my reaction of You being lost at sea, but he's trying to be sympathetic. I get one of my visions and help them find you...and *thank God* your alive. My first instinct tells me to run to you.....but I forgot one thing...that's Renee's job. /P

PMic called off the wedding....I was so upset. But, I knew then that I couldn't be happy with anyone...if it wasn't you. /P

PI went to your apartment, hoping to find solace there. And the worst thing Possible happened....Mic called over there. But, this you know. I ran out to stop him from going back...but it was too late, I'd lost him. You told me to come to you and I thought maybe this was gonna be it. That this would be the beginning of our lives together. (I know I was hoping for a little much....but It was what I wanted, if not what you did.)/P

PAnd then I showed up and when I saw you in the door way , I wanted you to hold me. But Renee's father had died ..... you did the right thing by comforting her instead Harm, you really did. It just hurt so much to be standing out in the rain....w/ no one ...not Mic,.....not you...and watch you embrace her through the window. Somehow I feel our talk is once again postponed. I'll be waiting ...as always./P

PLove, Mac/P

/IPHer tears were all over this page as well, and I kissed the page. How I wished for one more chance to see her, to hold her, to tell her how much I loved her, respected her, looked up to her....she was my everything./P

PI flipped a couple pages to just a few weeks ago. When we were in Afghanistan searching for Kabir together./P

PIButch,/P

P It's Sundance here.*laughs to self* Things could've turned out alot worse yesterday. You could have been killed in that mine field. I was so afraid for you. Before I went to the other side of the Humvee, I looked long and hard at you..as if to etch your face forever in my memory.....I almost told you how I felt right then...just in case it was my last chance. But everythig turned out ok. /P

POhh, *smiles to self* about the room divider thing I just didn't want to smother you..(perhaps I was afraid my true feelings for you would take over) but .....WOW . Lets just say I'm glad there's such a thing as Hypothermia. I felt so safe, in your arms cheek to cheek...I was sure you could hear my heart beating out of my chest...if u did...u didn't let on. I looked up into the stars and tried to calm myself, but it just couldn't be done....with us so close and the way we were..ugh.there was no clear thinking to be done on my part. And then you asked me a question I looked up at you as you were looking down at me......our lips were so close, and I resisted the urge to kiss you right then. What would you have done if I had? (I may not want to know the answer) I think the reason Gunny was not a fool in my book....is b/c I think I too share one - sided feelings for someone (mmmmmmm....don't you wonder who it could be? *wink*)/P

P----Your trusty Sidekick/P

P/P

/IPI laughed at this one despite my tears. she was one of a kind. I loved her so much, but was just too stupid to realize it.I start another round of sobs: If only I had said the things I thought I couldn't................................./P

P/P

P/P

PTHE END/P

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P/P

PNOTE: Don't put off what you can do today. Tell a loved one just how much they mean to you. Don't let the moment pass you by! ----love always, Ashlee *aka /P/FONT/BODY

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